You can't be a parent to your parent.
You can't be responsible for their issues or their happiness.
Some parents look to their adult children to be their sole support system. This is especially true if they don't have a spouse or are within a relationship that lacks support.
You can't be responsible for their issues or their happiness.
Some parents look to their adult children to be their sole support system. This is especially true if they don't have a spouse or are within a relationship that lacks support.
Adult children who are highly sensitive can feel an intense responsibility to fix it. They go into fixer roles, trying to make things better. This becomes a cycle.
The cycle looks like:
The parent tells their child about an ongoing problem in her life: they vent to their adult child who feels intense sympathy or sadness about the situation.
The parent tells their child about an ongoing problem in her life: they vent to their adult child who feels intense sympathy or sadness about the situation.
The adult child will go into problem solving mode: They'll offer solutions to the problem and encourage the parent to make changes with her life. The adult child feels helpless witnessing the parent struggle.
The parent will continue to vent about their issues without taking any feedback or making any changes: they need more and more time and energy from the adult child. If they feel the adult child pulling away, they may use guilt tripping.
The adult child will feel frustrated and resentful about the situation: no matter what they try to do to help, it's not enough and the situation stays the same. This brings up a lot of guilt and shame.
In this cycle, both the parent and the adult child are feeling hopeless: the adult child has a need to be in the fixer role. The parent has a deep need for constant communication and attention. Neither are getting their needs met.
HOW TO BREAK THE CYCLE:
1. Set boundaries: we can always give our parents support, without draining ourselves. We can tell them we love them and be there to listen while also having clear limits.
1. Set boundaries: we can always give our parents support, without draining ourselves. We can tell them we love them and be there to listen while also having clear limits.
2. Know you can't change anyone: many adults have a fantasy their parent will finally change and become the person they always needed. So, they try to change them. We can respect our parents by accepting their choices and their limitations as difficult as that can be.
3. You and your family life matters: some parents lack awareness for this reality. You don't need to meet every expectation your parent has.
Dr. Nicole LePera
Dr. Nicole LePera
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